


Secrets

by Ruby J (rubygirl29)



Category: Magnificent Seven (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, M/M, Magnificent Seven AU: ATF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-25
Updated: 2012-03-25
Packaged: 2017-11-02 12:58:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/369223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubygirl29/pseuds/Ruby%20J
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Buck finds out that Chris and Vin are lovers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Note: I wrote this for a number of people who asked me to write a “Buck finds out about Chris and Vin,” story. As always, thanks to Sue for beta-reading, and to Jean for laughter and support. The sweaty Buck scene is dedicated to Kerry. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Not mine, no money, no artistic claim. So sad ... Sigh ...

**Part One ******

 

It was nearly midnight. Overhead, the skies were clear, but the city lights obliterated all but the brightest stars. Planets ... Chris Larabee reminded himself. He knew that from the SEALs. Forgot it sometimes, now. He leaned his head against the back of the seat. Seemed like he and Buck had been on this stakeout much longer than the four hours they had already invested. Hardly seemed worth it. The night was quiet, the street dark. He was beginning to think that this whole thing was a mistake. Stakeouts weren’t even in his job description. But this was a coordinated action involving three teams of ATF agents, and he was the SAC. He opened his eyes and saw the steady blink of an airliner heading for the airport. Might even be the plane carrying Vin home from D.C., where he’d spent a week taking a class on the new jurisdictional guidelines set up when the ATF had been transferred from the Treasury to the Department of Justice. It was required training of the sort Vin hated; all talk, no action. Chris didn’t know who would be more glad when the night was over, himself or Tanner. A weary sigh escaped him.

“Ain’t as easy as it was a few years ago, pard.” Buck’s soft chuckle came through the darkness. “Old bones.”

“Fuck you.”

“Ooh ... and that temper’s on a mighty short string, too.”

“Tell me your mind ain’t someplace else.”

“Hell, sure it is. Wouldn’t I rather be sittin’ cuddled up with a sweet armful of woman? But that ain’t my job.” Buck sighed gustily. “So, where’d you rather be?”

“Home.” He couldn’t say more. But he knew where he wanted to be: he wanted to be with Vin. He wanted to be in bed with Vin’s slim, hard body tucked tight to his. Shit. One of these days Buck was gonna find out just how close Chris and Vin really were, but it wasn’t going to be tonight. And it wasn’t going to be Chris who told him. “I’d give it another two hours and then we’re outta here.”

“Sounds good to me.” Buck settled his big frame more comfortably in the seat and gave Chris a grin. “Hey, remember that time we took out the twins?”

Chris’s eyes narrowed. “Yeah... I remember.”

“That was some night, huh? Me and my date in the back seat, you and yours in the front. Hell, I swear ya made that gal purr ...”

“I recall she left a few claw marks, too.” He shifted as if he could still feel the sting from his scored skin. 

“Ya ever miss those days?”

“I didn’t miss ‘em then, Buck. Two weeks later I was dating Sarah.”

“Ya didn’t date anybody else after that,” Buck mused.

“No reason, no need.”

“Y’ain’t dated much since.”

Chris sighed irritably. “What’s your point?”

“A man’s gotta do somethin’ with all that excess ... energy.” He waggled his brows, “If ya take my meaning.”

“I don’t have any excess *energy*,” Chris growled. “The job pretty much takes care of that.” It was an excuse, not the best one he could think of, but at least it was plausible. He could see Buck wasn’t buying it. “I date,” he said in self-defense. 

“Yeah, ya squire Mary around to them black tie charity dinners, but I don’t see any sparks flyin’ between you two.”

“Damn it, Buck! Let it be. I’m fine. I’m happy. And I’ve got too damn much on my plate to have multiple partners in my bed. Okay?”

“Y’ain’t even got one that I c’n see, ol’ son.” Chris shot him such a murderous look that Buck subsided without argument. But he kept a speculative eye on his friend. Something was going on with Larabee, something he didn’t want Buck to catch wind of, but for the life of him he couldn’t figure out what that was. “What about Vin?” he asked.

Chris nearly shot out of the seat. “What the hell does that mean?” he demanded.

“Whoa, there, ol’ son!” Buck threw his hands up in mock surrender. “Don’t mean a damn thing other than Vin ain’t got nobody between his sheets, neither – at least that I can see.”

“Then why don’t you just stop looking?” Chris asked wearily. “Vin’s got a right to privacy, and maybe there’s things he just doesn’t want the rest of the world to know.” Like he was gay. Like he had a lover. Like that his lover was Chris ... and how could he possibly explain that to Buck when he couldn’t even explain it to himself? 

“It ain’t natural,” Buck grumbled. 

“Well, hell, Buck. Maybe it’s natural to him.” Chris closed off the sentence, effectively slamming the door on the subject. He shut his eyes, further discouraging any more speculation on his and Vin’s sex lives, which just happened to be the same thing. 

Sometimes he wondered how Buck could be so thick about this, when most of the time he was uncannily perceptive. It wasn’t like *nobody* had figured it out. Ezra knew – had been the first to know without Chris or Vin even saying a word – and was fine with it, even a bit overprotective at times. Josiah knew, had counseled Chris on it when he wasn’t sure himself that what he felt for Vin was real or some bent reflection of what he had felt for Sarah. Nathan had it figured out, accepted it, didn’t always seem too comfortable with it; though Chris hadn’t decided if it was due to the nature of the relationship or because he thought it was just a bad idea for the boss and a subordinate to be screwing each other. Either way, he had kept their secret and their friendship. 

That left Buck and JD, and sometimes Chris wasn’t so sure that JD didn’t know, or at least suspect that there was more to the situation than the “one-brain thing”, as he called the bond between Chris and Vin that had been between them from the first instant they had met. It was hard to tell with JD. 

Secrets ... Chris was tired of keeping them. But he would guard them to the death if that’s what Vin needed. 

Suddenly Buck gave a low whistle from the darkness beside him. “Well, lookee here, seems like Jorge was tellin’ us the truth about somethin’ going down tonight.” He passed the night vision goggles over to Chris.

He looked through the lenses, seeing movement in the weird green and black illumination as men began carrying crates from the warehouse he and Buck had been watching. Nine out of ten times informants were playing the angles, but every now and then that tenth time was the big jackpot. Chris grinned wolfishly at Buck. “I don’t know about you, but I’d like to know what’s in those crates,” he said.

Buck got on the com channels to the three other teams staking out the warehouse, alerting them to the activity. Chris pulled on a watch-cap to cover his blond hair, checked his sidearm and gave the order to move in.

7*7*7*7*7*7*7

Vin was waiting out the long taxi from the runway to the terminal. His fingers drummed impatiently on his thigh. He hated planes, hated the cramped quarters, hated the delays and frustrations that seemed to plague air-travel these days. He always requested the first seat on the aisle and was a frequent enough flier that he was able to get it most of the time, particularly when he flashed his badge. The attendants seemed pretty happy to have him riding shotgun even if he didn’t actually carry a firearm on board. Besides, he got the fresh coffee that way.

By the time the flight was over, he just wanted the plane to stop moving so he could pull his bag from the overhead compartment, retrieve his luggage, ransom his Jeep from long-term parking and get out. 

He wanted the ranch, he wanted peace, he wanted Chris. And not necessarily in that order. When the jetway was finally attached, he grabbed his carry-on and was first off the plane. He loped down the concourse to the baggage claim, praying that his suitcase would be the first one off-loaded, and for once, had his prayers answered. 

He caught shuttle to long-term parking, found the Jeep waiting for him, and trusting that the week’s stay hadn’t wreaked too much havoc with the recalcitrant engine, turned the key. Luck was with him there, too. 

Luck ran out halfway from the airport to the ranch with a phone call from Buck. “Chris is hurt,” he said. 

7*7*7*7*7*7*7

Chris felt hot, cold, disoriented. He remembered falling, remembered that the Kevlar vest he wore had taken the brunt of the gunfire, remembered feeling like somebody had taken a jackhammer to his chest and then had decided to use a sledgehammer to finish the job. And that was all he remembered until he woke up in the ER with a team of nurses and doctors all trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with him. 

He had been very lucky. Bruised ribs and abdominal muscles, shock, and, stupidly, a wrenched knee from the torque as the bullets had spun his body around; the rubber-soled shoes he wore gripping the concrete rather than allowing his body to follow the natural motion. If he had been an athlete, they would have blamed the injury on artificial turf. Didn’t stop it from hurting like a sonovabitch. His whole body was a knot of pain, but once he regained consciousness and had a bolus of hydration pumped into his body, he’d be fine. He *was* fine and he wanted *out.* Vin was coming home and the last thing Chris wanted was for his lover to find him in the hospital.

He struggled upright, disgusted that he was still tethered to the IV. He watched the saline slowly drip from the bag into his vein. Another half-hour, maybe. He knew from experience that they wouldn’t take it out early. He glared at the clock, willing the second hand to move faster, and was just about ready to ring for the nurse when she pushed the curtain aside. 

“We’ll be moving you up to a room as soon as the IV is –”

“Like hell you will,” Chris growled. “I’m fine. You can send me home.”

“Mr. Larabee, you know I don’t have that authority.”

“Get me somebody who does.”

The nurse gave him an exasperated look. “I know about you, Mr. Larabee. Dr. Stone left specific instructions that you are *not* to be discharged without a physician’s approval.”

“What about released on my own recognizance?” Chris asked.

The curtain was pushed aside, and Chris groaned and fell back against the pillows when Elizabeth Stone appeared. “So, you think you can sign yourself out, Larabee?” She arched a brow and took his chart from the nurse. “Let’s see what we’ve got here ... We’re waiting for x-rays of your knee, blood gases, and a few other tests. Plus, you need at least another bolus of saline. Your blood pressure was pretty low when you came in. It doesn’t seem that you’re bleeding internally, but you were unconscious and we need to check everything out.”

“I’m fine.”

“Oh yes. I can see that. Lie down.” She lowered the bed and none too gently, palpated his abdomen. As soon as she hit one of his bruised ribs, he gasped. She sounded out his lungs, listened to his respiration, examined his liver; all of which caused him extreme discomfort. When she had finished, he was pale and sweating. “So, you think you’re ready to go home?” she asked.

“I was,” he replied, a bit more breathless than he intended to sound. 

She folded her stethoscope. “Chris, one night is not going to kill you. I really want to keep an eye on your blood pressure and vital signs just to be sure we didn’t miss anything. Blows to the abdomen can be tricky, and while I don’t think any internal damage was done, what can it hurt to be sure? Besides, as things start waking up you might be glad we have the ‘good shit,’ here.” A smile quivered at the corner of her mouth.

He closed his eyes. It hurt plenty, and in ways she could never understand. He sighed. “Fine. I’ll stay.”

“Good. I’ll send Buck back in to see you. He’s been pacing fit to wear a path in the tile.”

“Thanks, doc.”

“Let’s not have any crisis tonight, okay? You’ve already cost me half my evening.” She softened her words with a smile and a touch on his shoulder.

“Well, at least you don’t have to spend the night here,” he said.

She shook her head. He was such an ingrate, but then, she couldn’t blame him for it. Weren’t they all just trying to get safely home?

Buck came in a few minutes later and stood at the end of the bed. He knew what Chris wanted to hear first. “The op was a success. We got the evidence to convict. Nobody else got hurt.”

“How the hell did I get so lucky?” Chris grimaced. “Thank the others for me, will you?”

“Done. I, um, called Vin. He’s on his way.”

Chris closed his eyes. He hadn’t wanted Tanner to know, would rather have spoken to him first, but he was suddenly too tired to think. “Thanks,” was all he could manage before the drugs carried him away.

7*7*7*7*7*7*7

The sound of his tires on the pavement seemed to repeat those words endlessly. Never mind that Buck had done his best to reassure him that Chris was fine, just bruised up and dehydrated, Vin’s heart refused to recognize the logic of his mind. He had seen too much in his life – seen things go sour faster than you could imagine – seen men die so fast that it seemed impossible. He *had* to see that Chris was all right. 

*Chris is hurt, Chris is hurt, Chris is hurt ...* The refrain mocked him and he pressed harder on the accelerator just to silence those voices. There was virtually no traffic, even the city streets were quiet and nearly empty. A light rain had begun to fall, sheeting down the windshield as the wipers swept from side to side. Vin wheeled into the lot reserved for the ER at Mercy Hospital, parked and ran inside. 

The chairs were empty. He had at least expected Buck to be there, and his heart suddenly seemed to rise in his throat. He went to the desk and asked for Chris Larabee. The receptionist told him to take a seat while she checked on the patient’s status. Vin was about ready to burst through the doors; he just wanted to see Chris, to touch him, to reassure himself that the world was still on an even keel. He felt like he hadn’t taken a breath since Buck’s phone call. He sat on the edge of one of the uncomfortable chairs and thrust his fingers into his hair. *God, Chris ... be all right, please.*

“Mr. Tanner?” The receptionist spoke to him.

“Yes?” He was up out of the chair.

“He’s in treatment room 7. You can come back.” She didn’t have to repeat it.

Vin pulled back the curtains and stood there, waiting for his heart to start beating again. Chris was sleeping, the sheets pooled around his waist, his chest wrapped in an elastic bandage to protect his ribs. Vin could see the dark shadow of bruises above the bandages and winced in sympathetic pain. He was hooked up to an IV dripping clear hydration. No blood. That was good. 

Vin stood at the side of the bed and took Chris’s hand in his own. His fingers were warm and relaxed. His eyes were closed, his mouth soft with sleep. He must have shaved before going on the stakeout because his cheeks were still smooth to the touch. Vin’s finger followed the curve of a cheekbone, drifted down to the swell of his lower lip. Beautiful. He bent and kissed that tempting mouth. Chris sighed and stirred, one hand coming up to curl around the back of Vin’s neck and hold him close.

“Hey there,” Vin whispered. “You doin’ okay, cowboy?”

“Real okay ...” Chris smiled drowsily. “Doc Stone was right. They give you good shit here.”

“’S ‘at why ya threw yerself in front a’ those bullets, Larabee?”

“Smart ass.” His eyes opened halfway then lost the battle and closed again.

“Yeah, well we’ll talk about m’ass later.” He kissed Chris again, letting that touch speak more than any words he could have said. “Think I’ll jist sit here fer a while, cowboy. Keep m’eyes on ya.”

“Good,” Chris sighed and drifted. Vin just held on tight, his lover’s fingers pressed to his lips. 

“Love you,” Vin whispered. “An’ don’t much like bein’ without ya.” His thumb caressed Chris’s hand. He loved the feel of the fine, hard bones, the smooth skin, the light furring of golden hair on the back of his wrists. He stroked down Larabee’s forearm. “Don’t often git a chance t’tell ya, but I reckon ya know.” He laid Chris’s hand down gently, then leaned forward and kissed Chris’s forehead. “Ain’t gonna stop lovin’ ya, either. Not ever.” 

He never knew that that soft vow had been overheard, never saw JD back out quickly and silently. He resumed his watch over his lover until the nurse came with an orderly to wheel Chris upstairs to a room.

7*7*7*7*7*7*7

Buck stretched out in a slouch, his arms folded across his broad chest, his eyes half-closed. As soon as Chris was settled, he planned on an evening at home with a glass of Jim Beam on the rocks in his hand and soft jazz on the stereo. JD had gone to see when they’d be taking Chris up, and Buck wished the kid would hurry. Chris already had Vin in there with him and probably didn’t need to listen to JD chatter on. Another minute and he’d go in after Dunne ...

The doors from the treatment area flew open and JD charged out. He shot a look at Buck and stormed out of the ER. Buck shot to his feet and stood frozen, wondering if he should take off after JD or run inside to see if Chris was all right. Reason dictated that if it were medical, JD would have dragged him inside, not fled. Though what had precipitated his flight, Buck couldn’t imagine.

He muttered a curse and went after JD. 

He found him just outside the door, leaning against the brick wall. “What’s got you all riled up?” he asked.

“Nothing.”

“Kid –”

“Will you stop calling me that? I ain’t a kid. I ain’t been a kid for a long time.”

Buck raised his hands. It wasn’t the first time JD had objected to the fond nickname. “Sorry.”

JD gave a small shake of his head, his dark hair falling over his forehead. “Can we go home, now?”

“As soon as Chris is settled.”

“He’s settled,” JD said, in a tone of voice that made Buck give him a second look.

“Are you gonna tell me what the _hell_ is goin’ on?”

“Nothing’s going on. I’m just tired. Can’t I be tired?”

“Well, sure. But this sounds more like an ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ than an ‘I’m tired.’”

JD pushed away from the wall with a jerk of his shoulders. “I’m going home.”

Buck sighed. “I’m gonna tell Chris I’ll see him in the morning, and then we’re outta here.”

“He’s sleeping,” JD said, sounding upset and tense.

“O-kay ... then let’s go.” He wouldn’t push Dunne further right now. Maybe when they were back at the loft and JD lost some of that tension, he’d be willing to talk about what had raised his hackles. Buck sighed. Some days were just not easy. And some days were damn near impossible. He needed a drink.

7*7*7*7*7*7*7

Vin waited outside the door until the nurse had settled Chris in bed and made sure his IV was dripping properly. Chris was awake but groggy from the painkillers, and Vin figured as soon as he had a chance for a few private moments with him, he’d take off for home. He was exhausted, and sleep beckoned like a mirage in the desert. 

Finally, the nurse left the room and Vin slipped inside. The overhead fixture cast shadows across Chris’s face. He looked drawn, pale, his fine features attenuated. Vin hated to see him like that with all the stresses of his job and life carved out by the light. Still beautiful, but the reminder of mortality left Vin feeling cold inside, and hollow. He didn’t like being vulnerable and he knew he was vulnerable with Chris as he had never been in his life. He rested his hand lightly on Chris’s chest; the warm skin and steady heartbeat reassuring him. 

He brushed the hair back from Chris’s forehead. “Hey there,” he whispered. “You mind wakin’ up ‘nough t’say goodnight?”

Chris’s eyes opened, drowsy and dark with the drugs. “G’night?” 

Vin shook his head. “Man, Larabee. You are really out of it. I don’t know what they shot you full of, but it’s gotta be the good stuff.”

Chris tried to muster the strength to glare, failing miserably. “M’fine,” he mumbled. 

Vin laughed softly. “Yeah, yer fine.” He leaned over, kissed his lover. “Real fine.” He licked his lips. “But I reckon it’s time t’say goodnight, Gracie.”

“G’night, Gracie,” Chris mumbled. 

Vin gave a humorous snort. “Geez ... I sure hope ya don’t remember this, ’cause I ain’t *never* gonna fergit it. See ya in the mornin’, lover.” He closed the door softly and left the hospital, humming softly to himself. 

7*7*7*7*7*7*7

**Part Two ******

JD vanished into his room as soon as they were back at the loft. Buck let him go, hoping he would settle down from whatever was his problem and be willing to talk about it. He poured a stiff whiskey on the rocks and sank down into his favorite chair. It had been a long, long stressful day.

He studied the amber liquid, trying to figure out where exactly things had gone wrong with JD. The surveillance had been fine. Long and tense, but fine. The bust itself had gone down well, barring Chris’s injury ... JD had been concerned, hell, they had all been concerned, but the outcome had been better than they had expected. Then Vin had showed up ... and JD had looked like he’d run smack into a wall. Right about where Buck felt like he was now.

JD finally emerged an hour later. Buck heard him go into the kitchen and waited until he came out with a cola in his hand and sat on the couch across from him. He took a swallow and leaned back.

“You want ta talk about it, kid?” Buck asked, and didn’t know if it were a good sign or bad that JD didn’t object to the nickname this time. 

“I don’t know.”

“Somethin’ happen at the hospital t’ set you off?”

“I don’t know if I can ...”

“You n’ me have known each other for a while now. Y’oughtta know you c’n tell me anything.”

JD sighed, took another swallow of beer. He looked at Buck from beneath the fringe of bangs that had fallen over his forehead. He was so confused he had a headache. “Buck – you and Chris’ve known each other a long time, right?”

“Yeah. A real long time according to your years.” Buck grinned. “You ain’t worried about Chris bein’ all right, are you? ‘Cause he is gonna be fine. You saw him, he’s in good hands. Vin’ll make sure of that.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet,” JD said and felt color rising in his cheeks.

Buck sat up fast. “Whoa, there! What the hell does that mean?”

“I _saw_ what that means.” JD rose, paced, tried not to see the look of utter confusion on Buck’s face. 

Buck stood and in one long stride closed the distance between them, reaching out a long arm to catch JD’s shoulder. “You tell me what it means, or what you _think_ it means, right now.”

JD whirled away from Buck’s grip. “Fine. I’ll tell you. It’s Vin and Chris. I walked in and Vin was – was – telling Chris he loved him.”

Buck gaped at him. “Hell, I love Chris.”

JD shot Buck an exasperated look. “Yeah, so do I. But Vin – Geez, Buck. Vin is _in love_ with Chris. He kissed him.”

“I’ve kissed Chris. Doesn’t mean I’m in love with him,” Buck said stubbornly, still trying to figure out if JD were somehow misconstruing what he had seen. 

JD’s hazel eyes blazed at him from a pale, set face. “Just stop it, Buck. I know what I saw. I know what I heard. And maybe you don’t know Chris as well as you think you do.” He grabbed his motorcycle jacket off the hall tree. “I’m going for a ride. Don’t wait up.”

Buck just stared after him. When he heard the roar of JD’s bike, he knew he wasn’t coming back anytime soon. Feeling a bit staggered and more than a little confused, he sat down and drained his glass of whiskey. 

JD’s words came back to him. _Vin is in love with Chris ... He kissed him ... Maybe you don’t know Chris as well as you think you do._

It seemed impossible, but it also seemed terribly plausible. There had always been that _something_ between Chris and Vin. Buck had seen it on that first day when Vin had walked into Chris’s office, and he’d seen it a hundred times since then whenever the two men were together. They all joked about the one-brain thing between their boss and the sharpshooter, but Buck had never imagined that mental fusion went deeper than friendship, deeper than blood.

How blind had he been? Or maybe he just hadn’t wanted to see. A score of scenes replayed themselves in his mind. Chris, holdin Vin’s hand in the ER. The two of them sharing a booth at Inez’s, always next to each other and close. Small, private glances and shared smiles. Chris standing with his head close to Vin’s as they bent over a map. The physical tomfoolery of friendship ... None of it telling in itself, but speaking of so much more when seen in the context of what JD had said.

Buck snatched his keys from the table by the door and headed out. He needed to talk to somebody. He wasn’t even sure who, but he got in his truck and drove through the streets of Denver, finally finding himself in front of Josiah’s halfway house. He was relieved to see the Suburban was parked in the driveway, so Josiah was on duty and hopefully not tied up with paperwork and problems. 

As he stood at the front door waiting to be buzzed in, Buck wondered: Did Josiah know? Well, if he didn’t he was about to find out. Maybe he at least had some insight that Buck was lacking. Maybe he’d just tell him that JD was imagining things and Buck was over-reacting.

The door opened and Josiah stood there, a look of surprise and concern on his face. “Buck, everything all right with Chris?”

“Yeah. Least when I left the hospital. Vin was there.”

Something in his voice made Josiah raise a brow. “You want to come in?”

Buck stepped over the threshold, looked around. The sound of a TV turned low came from the common living room. Buck looked around. “C’n we go to your office?”

The other brow went up and he stretched out an arm in invitation for Buck to lead the way. He switched on the desk lamp, reached in the drawer and pulled out a bottle of whiskey and two shot glasses. Buck sank down in the chair and tossed back the whiskey.

“Long day?” Josiah asked. His eyes were sympathetic.

“Ya might say that. Longer night.”

“You want ta put that burden down, son?” He poured another shot of whiskey.

Buck sipped it meditatively, shook his head. “Me and Chris’ve known each other a lotta years. Been through a lot t’gether. I swore there wasn’t a part a’ him I didn’t know. Not after Sarah and Adam. Not after I picked his sorry butt out a’ the gutter. Not after workin’ with him day after day. Now I ain’t so sure about anything.”

“Somethin’ happen to make you doubt that?”

“Vin.” Josiah didn’t move, but his stillness changed and Buck felt a chill. “Vin ... and Chris. JD saw them together, heard Vin tell Chris he loved him ... saw Vin k-kiss him. I told him he was wrong, told him he was seein’ things that couldn’t be. But I’m the one who’s wrong ... aren’t I?” His voice felt odd and tight in his throat. “I don’t know, Josiah ... what am I supposed to think about this? How am I s’posed to understand that Chris – the man who was Sarah’s husband and Adam’s poppa, who I know was as sure a hell-raiser as any man I ever met – is sleepin’ with another man? And not just any man – Vin. My friend. It’s like the whole damn world is upside down.”

“Vin’s gay,” Josiah said. Like the sky was blue. That simple.

“Chris ain’t!” Buck snapped. “Jesus.” He swallowed hard. “I never knew. Guess that explains why he never took up with any of those ladies who’re always makin’ eyes at him. Musta given him and Chris a lotta laughs on good ol’ Buck.”

“It was never like that, and you know it,” Josiah said. He leaned forward. “I didn’t know until he told me one day. It ain’t like he goes around flaunting it. He can’t, not in this world. It don’t change who he is, because it’s what he’s always been.”

“He changed Chris,” Buck said bitterly.

“Hold on there!” Josiah caught Buck’s wrist. “You stop right there and listen to what you’re sayin’. Vin did not _change_ Chris in any way that matters, but for the better. Remember what it was like before Vin came? Chris bein’ bitter and angry, tied up in so many knots there’s nights we figured he’d never come back in the morning? Remember bleeding ulcers and those times you dragged him out of some bar at 3am? Is that the man you want back?”

“That man was my friend!”

“That man is still your friend. Vin is still your friend. If JD hadn’t seen Vin and Chris together the way he did, you would be none the wiser, and they’d *still* be lovers.” He saw Buck flinch at the word and sighed. “Face it, Buck, and get over it. Chris and Vin love each other ... and whether or not we understand it or accept it, they will be together because that’s the way it was meant to be.”

“Meant to be?”

“How else would you describe it?” Josiah asked gently. “You always said that Chris and Sarah were meant to be together. And they were until evil stepped in and took her away. Maybe the Lord figured Chris had suffered enough, so He gave him another chance at love. He gives us all souls, Buck. Maybe it’s the souls we love, no matter what body they come in. You can’t deny that those two souls speak to each other in a language that is all their own.” 

“It’s a language I sure don’t understand.” Buck stood up. 

“You gonna try?”

“I don’t know, Josiah. I just don’t know.” He drank down the last of his whiskey and left. Josiah rubbed his forehead. He’d done his best, now it was up to Buck’s heart to make sense of what his mind couldn’t accept.

7*7*7*7*7*7*7

JD’s bike was back in its place when Buck drove into the garage. That was one weight off his mind. He parked, went up the apartment and let himself in quietly just in case JD was sleeping. He wasn’t. He was sitting on the sofa, his legs propped up on the coffee table, a bottle of beer in his hand. His head was tipped back, but when he heard Buck he opened his eyes.

“I’m not waiting up for you,” he said.

Buck sighed and sat down. “You okay?”

JD nodded. “Yeah. Where’d you go?”

“Josiah. You?”

“Ezra.”

“Ezra?”

“Go figure.” He shrugged. “I guessed if anybody knew what was going on, he would. And he did.”

“Looks like you and me were the only ones left in the dark on this one.”

“Maybe we should have been,” JD said. “We’re not handling this real well.” He made a small snort of derision. “Geez – Chris and Vin.”

“Yeah. So, what did Ezra have to say?”

“He said what difference did it make? Chris and Vin are the same guys we knew the day before, so why should it matter? More I thought about it, more it seemed it didn’t. So I came home.”

“Is that what you feel ... that it doesn’t matter?”

JD shook his head. “I don’t know. Maybe I just need some time. But it’s funny ... if it weren’t so ... just so weird ... it would seem kind of right. You know – the he way they are together.” He stretched, shrugged. “I’m going to bed.”

“Sounds like a good idea to me.” 

“What did Josiah say?”

“About the same thing Ezra did. C’mon, kid, let’s shut this place down.”

They went upstairs, said goodnight. Buck went to bed but he lay awake for a long, long time.

7*7*7*7*7*7*7

Chris was up and eating breakfast when Vin arrived at the hospital early the next morning. The drugs from the previous night had worn off and the IV had been taken out. Aside from his slight pallor and some caution in his movements, he looked like he usually did after a long night. Grumpy and rumpled. But when he heard Vin’s knock he looked up from his tray and gave him a rueful smile. “Morning.”

“Hey, cowboy. You look a sight better than you did last night.” Vin closed the door and came to the bedside. He studied Chris’s face, searching for assurance that he would be all right, and found the comfort he sought in Chris’s eyes. He bent and kissed him. “Ya had me worried.”

“I don’t remember.”

“They’d drugged you up pretty good.”

“Doc Stone said they’d give me the good shit. That’s the last thing I remember.”

“Ya don’t remember flashin’ the nurses? Or that li’l dance ya did down the hall?” Vin winked a vivid blue eye.

Chris’s glare was restored. “You can be replaced, you know,” he hinted darkly.

“Nope. There’s jist one Vin Tanner. ‘Sides, ya love me.”

Chris tried not to grin. He reached out for Vin’s hand and pulled him closer. “Yeah, I do. And when we get outta here, I’m gonna do something about it.”

“Big talk fer a man wearin’ a dress with a slit up the back.” Vin danced away from Chris’s hold. “I’ll see if yer discharge papers are on the way. Then we’ll talk. Brought ya some clothes.” He set the plastic bag he’d been carrying on the bed and after another quick kiss, went in search of the paperwork that would spring Chris from the hospital.

Chris moved the breakfast tray aside and stood stiffly. God, he’d be in less pain if he had been shot. But then, he’d be dead. A few bruises and sore ribs were worth being alive, he decided. There was a razor and a small tube of shaving cream in the bathroom. Chris took a quick shower, shaved, dressed in the clothes Vin had brought. Vin wasn’t back yet, so he called Buck to tell him he was being discharged.

The answering machine picked up. Saturday morning ... he should have known Buck would be sleeping in. “It’s me, Buck. Just wanted to let you know I’m being discharged. Vin’s taking me to the ranch. Should be there around noon. If you n’ JD feel like dropping by later, we can cook out, have a few beers. Call me.” He hung up as Vin returned with the discharge papers and a nurse to go over his instructions: rest, take appropriate analgesics as necessary, report any unusual symptoms or fevers. Chris signed. Then he and Vin were in the Ram, Vin driving and Chris settled back in the passenger seat. 

The ranch looked the same; hearth and home, even more so with Vin at his side. Chris let Vin open the door, didn’t let him help him out of the Ram. He descended gingerly, his knee stiffened up and his ribs aching, and didn’t object when Vin slid his arm around his waist. That just felt too good; the bump of Vin’s hip, the strength of his arm at Chris’s back, the warmth of his palm through his shirt. Chris halted at the front door and turned to face Vin. He slid his arm around his body and drew him close. “You want to go inside? Get out of the heat?”

Vin chuckled. “Seems like the heat’s gonna be risin’ inside faster n’ it is out.”

Chris nuzzled his neck. “Why don’t we find out?” He inhaled the scent of the man he loved. “God, I missed you.”

Vin drew back a bit, grinned. “You sure you ain’t still got them drugs in ya, cowboy?” 

“Maybe.” Chris grinned back. “If I do, I hope they don’t wear off anytime soon.”

Vin’s tongue curled around Chris’s ear, he sucked on the lobe, ran a finger down Chris’s hardening cock. “Then _maybe_ we better git inside and git busy b’fore they do,” he whispered as they fumbled their way through the door and down the long hall to the master bedroom.

The room was warm and Vin opened the windows wide to let the breeze in. He pulled off his shirt and turned to find Chris already on the bed, his shirt and shoes off, jeans opened just wide enough to give Vin an enticing glimpse of the erection swelling beneath his white cotton briefs.

He kicked off his own boots and socks and didn’t hesitate to strip down to the buff. Then he slid into bed beside Chris, kissed him deeply. Chris’s hands tangled in his hair, lazy green eyes looked into his. That sweet curve of lower lip was softened and full. Vin suckled on it, then he knelt over Chris and tugged the jeans and briefs from his hips, down the long legs, careful of Chris’s knee. Even with that care, he saw the twist of pain at the corner of his mouth. “Sorry,” he whispered and kissed the pain away.

He made love to Chris, gently at first, then with increasing passion. He touched the bruises on Chris’s chest and shivered, knowing how close he had come to losing him – the depth and protection of a Kevlar vest had been his salvation. He tongued down Chris’s sternum, down the muscular plane of his stomach to the rise of his penis and took the firm velvety flesh in his mouth. The taste was always familiar, always fresh, and he would never tire of it. He worked Chris’s cock, took him deep, moistened his fingers with spit and the slick issue of seed and slid them inside his lover, stretching him. He stroked the hard nub of his prostate and let Chris come with a soft, passionate moan of release that shook Vin to his heart. When he felt the ring of muscle lose its tension, he withdrew his fingers and penetrated him, fucking him slowly and carefully until Chris urged him on with a harsh whisper, begging him to go deeper, harder. 

Vin came with a cry; Chris’s name and God’s somehow all entwined in his breath and mind. He felt Chris tremble and jerk, then the heat and slickness of his second orgasm spread between their bodies. 

They lay together for a while, tangled and close, half-dozing in contented lassitude. Chris sifted Vin’s hair through his fingers, felt the sweat beading on his forehead. “It’s hot,” he said. “Time to clean up.” He sat up, groaning as his outraged muscles and sore knee made their presence felt.

“I’ll get it,” Vin said. “Let ya know when it’s ready.” He kissed Chris and went to run the shower. 

7*7*7*7*7*7*7

*It’s me, Buck. Just wanted to let you know I’m being discharged. Vin’s taking me to the ranch. Should be there around noon. If you n’ JD feel like dropping by later, we can cook out, have a few beers. Call me.*

Buck stopped the answering machine. He had played the message back three times, like hearing it more than once would help him come to some sort of decision to accept or turn down the invitation. Hell, he didn’t know what to say, what to do or think. He couldn’t refuse outright – that would send off all sorts of alarms in Larabee’s mind. Yet he couldn’t act like nothing had changed – Chris would see through that right away. And he *wanted* to see Chris. He wasn’t a man to turn his back on a friend. There were too many years and tears invested in that relationship to cut it off arbitrarily.

But Vin would be there. Also a friend, though not the same man Buck had thought he was twenty-four hours earlier. And yet ... yet ... Buck cursed. He’d never thought of himself as a homophobic bigot. He *knew* gays. And it had never bothered him one way or another who they slept with as long as it was another consenting adult. But this gay was Vin ... and the other consenting adult was Chris. 

God.

He had to face them sometime and better now than at the office. JD was on a picnic with Casey, so at least he was spared trying to come up with an excuse for his absence. He picked up the phone, dialed the ranch, and was grateful when he got the answering machine. “I’ll be there ‘round five,” was the only message he left. 

It was going to be a damn slow five hours. He put on his running clothes and did three miles. As he jogged, he kept replaying Josiah’s words in his mind. Of course, they made sense. Josiah’s words always made sense. That was the trouble. They made sense even when the world didn’t. Even when you didn’t want them to because they made you feel guilty. 

He pounded out the miles then slowed to a walk, the sweat pouring down his body, soaking his shirt. Josiah had talked about Chris, but now Buck thought of Vin. He remembered how he had come into the office that first day; ghosted in almost, so quiet and unassuming, looking so goddamned *young* that it was hard to believe he was who his paperwork said. How, for weeks, he only seemed to be at ease when Chris was near, and how he shrank away from being touched – even when he was hurt – from everybody but Chris, who seemed to have gentled him like a wild creature. He recalled how slowly trust came to him, and how good it had felt when he’d realized that Vin trusted *him* as well as Chris. 

He owed Vin his life more than once, maybe he owed him the benefit of the doubt as well. 

He walked back to the loft, showered and changed. He glanced at his watch. He would be early, but he was already too nervous to delay any longer. Might as well get this over with. He locked up and drove out to Chris’s ranch, feeling like he was about to face his doom. Then he chided himself for being melodramatic. Nothing had changed ... not really. 

Right. He didn’t believe that for a minute. As he drove, he tried to think back to the early days of his friendship with Chris, wondering if there had been *any* clues to this sudden reversal in Chris’s attractions and finding none. Chris had been as straight as an arrow; had to fight off women and hadn’t fought *that* hard until Sarah had come into his life. Then it was like every other woman vanished from the face of the earth.

That had been a special love – a bond between two hearts that had been made for each other. *You can’t deny that those two souls speak to each other in a language that is all their own.* Buck pulled off the road and tried to work out his confusion. Chris and Vin? God, Vin was gay and Chris was unequivocally straight; but they were in love. How could that be right? How could he understand it?

He didn’t know what he would say, what he would do. He couldn’t pretend that he didn’t know the truth. Aww ... hell. He folded his arm on the steering wheel and laid his aching head down. How could he do this? 

7*7*7*7*7*7*7

The ranch looked the same when he pulled up. Vin’s Jeep was in its usual place – right next to Chris’s Ram. Peso and Pony were in the corral; Peso doing his best to annoy Pony and Pony not having any of it. Buck shook his head, amused by the antics. Their world hadn’t changed. Reluctantly, Buck went up the front steps and out of habit opened the door without knocking.

Silence and cool air greeted him. “Chris?” Buck called down the hall. No answer. He went into the family room. The doors to the deck were closed to keep the air-conditioning inside. Buck stepped closer and the glare on the big glass window disappeared. Two figures grew clearer. Vin and Chris.

Standing close, shoulders touching. Shirtless. Chris wearing khaki shorts that hung loosely on his narrow hips, Vin in a pair of ragged cut-offs that seemed to be more thread than whole cloth. Chris’s arm was on Vin’s shoulder, stroking across the tanned skin. Fingers moved lightly down a sharp shoulder blade, down the channel of Vin’s spine, then curved over his narrow waist. 

Vin turned towards Chris and even from the distance, Buck could see the light in his eyes, the way laughter crinkled the corners. He raised a hand to Chris’s cheek, and Chris, his face alight with ... God, with love ... drew him close and kissed him. 

Buck stepped back, his palm pressed to his heart as if it hurt, but unable to look away. He wanted to look away, he wanted to back off, hit rewind, reset the clock. But he just stood there, transfixed. The rays of the late afternoon sun lay warm on Chris’s lightly tanned skin, touched his hair with gold and Vin’s with the deeper flame of autumn leaves. Chris’s fingers tangled into the chestnut waves and Vin’s hard left arm was at Chris’s waist, pulling him close. 

Faced with his worst fears, Buck found there was nothing to fear – just two people in love, kissing. The kiss was passionate, intimate. Those two strong, masculine bodies fit together in ways that left him stunned. Equal in strength, equal in passion, and clearly at such physical ease with each other that the relationship had to be long-standing.

God, how blind he had been! And then anger began – an ache of betrayal that Chris could have kept *this* of all things from him. Chris owed him an explanation, an apology, a reason for all the evasions – if not outright lies – that he’d been handing out over the last months. As for whatever part Vin had played in the deception, Buck was in no way ready to even think of that. Vin was gay. That revelation alone made Buck feel like the biggest Goddamned fool in the whole universe. 

Before the two figures on the deck could separate, Buck was on his way out of the house. He needed some space, he needed some time. And he sure as hell needed to erase the image of that kiss from replaying itself over and over again in his mind. 

He made it back to his truck and thankful that the motor was quiet, backed right out of the driveway. He needed time to figure things out. He needed weeks and he had an hour. He drove until he came to the small road that led to the parcel of land Vin had brought at the beginning of the summer. He drove up to the pond, got out of the truck and sat on the bank, looking out over the quiet water, just thinking. 

Maybe he ought to just deal with what he could deal with. Vin was gay. Okay, he could accept that much. Wasn’t like Vin was a flaming queen, and it was real hard for somebody with his sexual preferences to succeed in the military and government services the way Tanner had. He had his reasons for guarding his privacy. And maybe Buck had been willingly blind – pushing dates on the reticent sharpshooter – because he hadn’t wanted to think of Vin as a gay man. 

Then, quite unexpectedly, a flash of sympathetic admiration came to Buck. Damn, but it took guts to do what Tanner had done. To be an Army Ranger, to make it through Quantico, to survive the intense scrutiny and risk the discovery of his sexual preferences ... He was a hell of a man. And Buck wasn’t willing to lose a friend just because he liked to sleep with other men. 

Now, that the man he was sleeping with was Chris ... That, Buck was having a rough time understanding. He’d known Vin less than a year. Chris had been his best friend for a good part of both their lives. Sarah had been as dear as his own sister and Adam, like his own flesh and blood. Somehow He couldn’t quite get over the feeling that by loving Vin, Chris was betraying their memories and denying their love. Chris must have figured that out and decided Buck couldn’t handle the truth. Why else had he kept it a secret for so long? 

He might not know the answer now, but by God he would by the end of the evening. 

7*7*7*7*7*7*7  
 **Part Three**

This time when he pulled into the driveway, he made sure to toot the horn and make a sweeping, noisy turn into the gravel driveway. The door opened and Chris stood there, wearing the same khakis, but this time with an olive green polo shirt. Vin was in the background, and Buck was relieved to see that his cut-offs were worn but not threadbare and he wore a long Av’s t-shirt. But they both looked so relaxed and happy with that particular glow that comes from being well-loved, that Buck wondered what sort of blinders he *had* been wearing for the last months.

“Hey, how’s the knee?” Buck asked. 

“He’s s’posed t’be wearin’ a brace,” Vin said. “See if you can convince him Doc Stone had a reason for orderin’ it.”

“Yeah, like you pay any attention to doctor’s orders,” Chris shot over his shoulder. “C’mon in, Buck. My knee doesn’t hurt,” he told Vin. And then proceeded to try not to limp towards the den. He made it out the deck and lowered himself into one of the redwood lounge chairs. “Help yourself to a beer,” he suggested.

Buck did, gratefully. He sat, looking out over the land because he was afraid that if he looked at Chris, he’d be transparent; all his doubts, fears and anger clear in his eyes. He never could keep much from Chris. 

Vin joined them with beers for Chris and himself, and Buck tried, really tried to keep the conversation on easy footing for them all. He found himself watching Vin more than Chris. He couldn’t say Vin exactly “hovered” over Chris, but it just seemed that he knew when Chris needed something that was out of reach, even had dragged out that old cane from the last time Chris had banged up his knee. He took care of Chris, but did it so deftly that Larabee didn’t, or couldn’t, object; all with a running commentary in that maddening Texas drawl. 

Buck couldn’t deny that when Vin was the one hurting – and Lord knew, he had been often enough – that Chris was just as protective; he had just never admitted that it was more than Larabee’s nature. Now he saw it as if a dark film had been torn from his vision. Not just concern and care, but love. Admitting it was one thing, understanding it was something else.

They moved inside to eat, conversation lagging a bit, and Buck knew that Chris felt like something was wrong, intuition born of long acquaintance making that pretty obvious. Vin might have noticed it, too, but didn’t betray it with as much as a glance. He shoved himself away from the table. “I’m gonna bring the horses in, Chris. Settle ‘em down fer the night.”

“Thanks.” Chris watched him out the door and waited for a minute to be sure he wouldn’t return before he looked at Buck. “You mind tellin’ me what’s wrong?” he asked.

There it was in Chris’s level green eyes. Buck could have denied that anything was wrong, but Chris wouldn’t believe him and any kind of story he concocted about work would have Chris wondering why he couldn’t have talked about it with Vin in the room. 

Buck stalled. “You allowed to have whiskey?” he asked.

Chris tilted his head, indicating the affirmative. He hobbled over to the sofa and sat, waiting while Buck went to the bar and poured them each a stiff drink. He set the glass in front of Chris and sat down. He took a swallow of whiskey to shore up his courage and looked at his best friend, now a stranger. “JD told me something last night that I was so damn sure was a lie that I would have bet my life on it.”

Chris remained silent for a moment. “JD’s pretty sharp,” he said cautiously.

“Sharper ‘n me, apparently. But then so’re Josiah, Nathan, and Ezra, when it comes to seeing things the way they are and not the way we want them to be.” He saw a tinge of a blush reddening the tips of Chris’s ears and the high, hard cheekbones. “Vin is gay,” Buck said.

Chris nodded. “Yeah.”

“You didn’t tell me,” Buck accused. “But you told the others –”

“I didn’t. And even if I had, what would it matter? Do you think he does any less of a job than a *real* man?” Chris’s voice held a hint of a sneer, which made Buck squirm uncomfortably. Chris just kept looking at him, waiting for his response. “Maybe you do,” he said into the silence. 

Buck slammed his glass down. “You know me better than that! Vin’s the best I’ve ever seen at the job and I’d rather have him behind those rifle sights than any man I’ve ever known.” 

“So what’s the problem?” 

The question seemed casual, but from the stillness in Chris’s face and the way he was poised like a panther ready to spring, Buck knew he’d best speak honestly and true. “Problem is, JD saw and heard something maybe he shouldn’t have. Seems like you and Vin have a bigger secret than him likin’ men.” Buck tried to keep his voice neutral, but bitterness ate at the edges like acid.

Chris wilted slightly. “Shit ...” he sighed. “I didn’t want you to find out this way.”

“How did you want me to find out?” Buck asked angrily. “Like catchin’ you with Vin’s tongue stuck down yer throat like I did earlier this afternoon? JD did ya a favor, Chris.” 

Chris knew Buck could be as cold and hard as granite; a side that was usually overridden by his genial nature, but you didn’t want to be caught off-guard when it came out. He was feeling the chill now. He didn’t mind so much for himself, but he wouldn’t have Vin caught in it for the world. “I would have told you,” he said.

“When?”

“When it seemed right,” Chris replied evenly. 

“There is so much *wrong* about this that I can’t see a time when it would have been right. And ya know what? That’s what really hurts. I don’t give a flying fuck about who yer takin’ to bed – hell, I’m the last guy to throw stones – but this ain’t a matter of my not likin’ who you’re sleeping with. It’s keepin’ a secret that could blow us *all* out of the water. I deserved to know that much, Chris.”

Chris didn’t apologize. He looked at Buck and saw the beginnings of a thaw. “So, now you know,” he said. “It’s been six months, Buck.”

“Six months? And you couldn’t find a moment in there to say, ‘Oh, by the way, Buck, I’m not dating women anymore. I’ve decided to try dating men?’”

“Not men, for God’s sake!” Chris rose and limped across the room. “God, it’s not *men*. It’s Vin. Only Vin. God, Buck. The first time I saw him I felt something like I’ve only felt once before in my life. I told myself I was wrong. *It* was wrong. But the more I fought it, the deeper those feelings grew until I thought I was gonna die or lose my mind. So I stopped fighting and let myself fall.” He shrugged. “And Vin caught me.”

“You’re sayin’ this is like Sarah?” Buck couldn’t believe it, didn’t want to believe it. He remembered Josiah’s words, *Maybe it’s the souls we love, no matter what body they come in,* and he didn’t want to believe that either. 

Chris shook his head. “Nobody will ever be like Sarah. Christ, I loved her with my all my heart and soul, you know that. But there were parts of my life where she couldn’t go, where I didn’t want her to go. With Vin there’s no place I can go where he won’t follow. He *is* my heart and soul. It ain’t like I even had a choice. One look and we both knew it.”

“Friendship wasn’t enough?” Buck asked roughly. “Ya had to let Vin –”

“Jesus, Buck! Listen to yourself.” Chris sounded disgusted. “First of all, Vin never seduced me. He never took me where I didn’t want to go. And frankly, that’s all I’m gonna say about it.”

“Why’d ya do it, Chris? Just tell me so I can understand.”

Instead of the anger he expected, Chris’s eyes softened. “Love. No matter how I twisted it around in my mind and tried to fit it into my life as something different, when it came right down to it, that’s what it was. Love.” He gave Buck a half-smile. “Can you understand that?”

Buck drew in a breath, let it out. “No.”

“Then I’m sorry.”

“But I reckon since I hafta live with it, I’d better accept it. I ain’t about to throw away all the years I got invested in this friendship or the memories those years gave me. All I’m asking for is some time, Chris.”

“Sure.”

Buck ran his fingers through his dark hair. “I tell ya pard, it ain’t every day that you walk in on your two best friends in a lip lock. Makes a feller feel real odd.” He grinned and for the first time that night his blue eyes held a hint of their usual sparkle. “You really ... you know?” He made a knock-knock motion with his fist.

Chris cocked a blond brow. “Don’t think about it, Buck.” But there was no animosity in his voice, just a weary humor.

Buck laughed. “Shit.” He stood up. “Think I’ll head on out, let you get your rest. Ya look a mite peaked, ol’ son.”

“Yeah? Well, I feel a mite peaked.” Chris limped over to Buck and held out his hand. “Still friends?” he asked.

Buck took his hand in warm, strong fingers. “You take care. I ain’t got so many friends that I c’n afford t’lose any of ‘em. See ya tomorrow, Chris.”

“See ya, Buck.” 

He watched Wilmington’s tall figure out the door, then eased himself down on the sofa with a soft groan of pain. Damn, he hurt! But at least it was his body hurting and not his heart. He got a cold feeling in his gut when he realized how close he’d come to losing Buck’s friendship to secrets that he’d kept hidden out of nothing more than fear. 

“Chris, y’all right?” Vin’s soft voice came from the shadows and his hand rested lightly on Chris’s shoulder. 

He tipped his head back, looked up into Vin’s worried blue eyes. “Yeah. Now, I am.” He tugged at Vin’s hand. “C’mon, down here so I don’t get a stiff neck.”

“Yer gettin’ old, Larabee.” Vin dropped a kiss on his hair, but came around to the front of the sofa and settled close to Chris. “Ya gonna tell me what was goin’ on with Bucklin tonight?”

“He knows about us. JD saw us in the hospital and clued him in. Then he came out here and caught us out on the deck.”

“Aw, hell.” Vin thrust his fingers through his hair. “Bucklin and JD all in one day?” He sighed. “Prob’ly should a’ told ‘em long ago.”

Chris nodded. “You and me both know that hindsight is twenty-twenty.”

“He all right?”

Chris nodded. “Yeah, I think so. Hell of a shock.”

Vin gave a soft snort of laughter. “Ya sure yer all right?”

“I think so,” he yawned. “It’s been one hell of a night, though.”

Vin looked at him. “It ain’t but nine o’clock. Ya need some pain meds?” He rubbed a gentle finger over the creases in Chris’s forehead. “Don’t answer that. I’ll git ‘em for ya.” 

He stood up and with one hand on Chris’s shoulder, lifted his injured knee, so that Larabee couldn’t help but lie down. Two pain pills and fifteen minutes later, Vin slipped carefully from beneath his sleeping lover, scrawled a short note saying he’d be back in a few hours and drove towards Denver.

7*7*7*7*7*7*7

He parked across from Buck and JD’s loft and sat for a while, wondering if he was doing the right thing. He knew Buck was all right from Chris’s standpoint, but he didn’t know if Buck was all right with *him.* He didn’t know if JD would even look at him, or if he’d treat him like he had something contagious. Vin had seen it before, and to have to bear it from JD would have broken his heart. He was used to prejudice from strangers; had been called every name for queer in the book and a few too lewd to even repeat to himself, but fear and suspicion from a friend were a thousand times more hurtful than any epithet. 

It was easier not having family, he thought. No one to care or disappoint. Just the acceptance that you were different and the consequences of being bent. He’d learned to live with his nature years ago and sometimes wondered if his life had been different, would he have been different. Would he have been straight? 

Josiah said not. Said doctors and psychologists had pretty much figured out that some folks were just wired like that. But when Vin had asked him flat out about Chris, Josiah had just smiled that damned mysterious smile of his – like he knew the mind of God – and said that sometimes logic has no sway over the heart. Said that some souls were meant to be together and that some folks listen to their hearts more than their heads. Chris was straight, but somehow and for some reason Vin had yet to fathom, Chris loved him body and soul. 

Forever. He held tight to that for courage and hope.

He got out of the Jeep, crossed the street and rang the buzzer to the loft. When JD buzzed him in, he went up the stairs two at a time and arrived there just as the door opened. “Hey, JD,” Vin said.

JD moved aside and invited him in. He stood a bit awkwardly and wouldn’t meet Vin’s eyes straight on. “You want a beer?” he asked, searching for words. Vin winced inwardly.

“Better not. I’m drivin’.”

“Soda?”

“Sure.”

“Okay.” He vanished into the kitchen and came out a minute later with two colas. 

“Where’s Buck?” Vin asked.

“Thought he was out at the ranch.”

“He left a while ago. I guess he had some thinkin’ t’do.” He looked at JD, saw the flush on his cheeks deepen. “It’s okay, kid. Buck said you knew about me an’ Chris.”

“I-I didn’t mean to walk in like that,” JD stammered. “I sh-should’ve knocked or something. Sorry.”

“Naw, ya don’t hafta apologize. Guess it was time fer it all to come out, anyways.” He took a sip of cola. “I’m sorry. Chris and I shoulda told you and Buck a while ago.”

JD stood up and shoved his hands in his pockets, took a few paces. “So, you’re gay, huh?”

Vin laughed. “Yeah.” He looked at JD, saw the kid’s eyes wide like a startled colt’s. “It ain’t contagious. And I don’t go around hittin’ on my straight friends.”

“What about Chris?” JD blurted out, then blushed furiously.

“It didn’t happen like that, JD,” Vin said softly. “It just happened. Same as it does for men and women. We jist ... jist fell in love.”

“Oh.” JD sat down like his knees had lost their strength. “That’s kinda what Ezra said.”

“Ezra?” Vin’s brow arched. “You talked to Ezra ‘bout this?”

“Well, he knew!” JD exclaimed. “So did Josiah and Nathan. Why not me and Buck, Vin? It’s like we didn’t deserve to know! You could’ve trusted us – you could have told us, too.”

“It wasn’t trust, JD. It was – I don’t know ... jist hard to explain. We never *told* the others ... they figured it out.” Vin shrugged, diffident, trying not to let JD see how much this hurt.

JD saw more than most folks gave him credit for. He saw the tight set of Vin’s shoulders, the grieved set of his mouth, the way his hands were gripped around the soda can like he was holding on to it for dear life. And he saw the love in Vin’s face when he spoke of his feelings for Chris. There wasn’t anything wrong with that. How could there be?

“It’s okay, Vin. Really. I-I guess it’s not something that’s easy to talk about, and maybe me and Buck wouldn’t have listened, anyway. Geez, I’d never have figured out you were gay if I hadn’t seen ya kiss –” He broke off. “Shit ...”

Vin laughed then, his shoulders and body and hands all relaxing as he sank into his customary slouch. “S’all right, kid. We kiss – big deal. And we make love ‘cause that’s part of bein’ in love. Ain’t so different than anybody else.” His blue eyes were defiant, a bit challenging. 

JD laughed, too, nervously. “Ya know, I just won’t go there, Vin. You don’t ask me about Casey and I won’t ask you about Chris. Deal?”

He held out his hand, and Vin reached forward and shook it. “Deal.” 

There was a silence between them, not as awkward as it had been, and Vin hoped that it was the beginning of the way back to what had been before. 

JD looked at him. “Musta been real hard for you – the army and all.”

“Warn’t no picnic,” Vin admitted. “But if it got me here, I guess it was worth it.”

JD smiled. “I guess it was.” He drained his cola. “You want another?”

“Thanks.”

JD was still in the kitchen when Vin heard the turn of a key in the lock heralding Buck’s return. Vin’s stomach didn’t have time to tie in knots before Buck was standing in front of him. 

“Vin.”

He nodded. “Bucklin.”

There was an odd electricity in the air, like before a storm. JD came from the kitchen, checked in mid-stride then set the can of cola on the coffee table. “Well, guess I’ll call it a night,” he said, fooling neither Vin nor Buck, and retreated up the steps to the loft.

Buck sat down and leaned forward, arms crossed on his long legs. “It’s been quite a night,” he said, like they were talking about a particularly difficult stakeout. “What are you doin’ here, Vin?” he asked in a low voice.

“Just needed to clear the air, I reckon.”

“Didn’t know it needed clearin’.”

“I think it does,” Vin replied. “I owe ya an apology. I didn’t set out t’keep the fact that I’m gay a big secret. I’s hopin’ things’d git to the point where it jist didn’t matter. But then ... then things got complicated.”

“Nice word.” Buck picked up the can of soda and took a swig. “Don’t say the half of it, though.”

Vin looked at him. “I didn’t count on fallin’ in love with Chris. It jist happened. The first time I walked into that office an’ he looked at me, I knew he didn’t jist *see* me. He saw clear down to my heart. Nobody ever done that t’me, Buck. I woulda loved him fer that alone.”

Buck swallowed, hearing the echoes of Chris’s words. “You do love him,” he admitted reluctantly. 

“Did ya think I’s jist lookin’ fer a good lay?” Vin asked bitterly. “That maybe we’d do it and then I’d walk out, ‘cause y’all know that’s what gays do?”

“God damnit, Vin! I never said it, never even thought it!” He leaned forward and took Vin’s wrists in his hands. “I’m just tryin’ to make sense of something I don’t understand.”

Vin’s gaze dropped to his wrists and Buck released him like he’d been burned. “Don’t try so hard, Bucklin and maybe it’ll come to you. All ya gotta understand is that me and Chris are together.”

Buck grimaced. “It’ll take some gettin’ used to.”

“It don’t change nothin’,” Vin said, his voice nearly a whisper. “Not the job, not the team. We talked about it, me and Chris. We know what we gotta do. It stops – we stop – right at the office door. That’s a promise we both made.”

“That’s a mighty hard promise to keep,” Buck said, his blue eyes softer than Vin had ever seen them. 

“I done a lot of hard things in my life, Bucklin. Bein’ with Chris is easy.” 

“I’ll kill you if you hurt him,” Buck said. 

“I’d give you the gun.” A wry smile touched his mouth. “But I’m in this for the long haul, don’t matter where it goes or how rough it is.”

“I heard those vows before – ‘For better, for worse’ – heard Chris say ‘em to Sarah. He kept those vows sacred. And he’d be keepin’ ‘em still, if things hadn’t happened.”

Vin ducked his head. “Don’t make this about Chris an’ Sarah. I know that if she was still alive I wouldn’t have a chance in hell. Shit ... maybe I wouldn’t even be here. This is about me and Chris, and the team. Seems like th’only one with a problem here is you, Buck.”

It wasn’t an accusation, it was a plea for compassion and understanding. Buck just looked at Vin. He saw a slim man in cut-offs, down at the heels running shoes, and a faded Avalanche T-shirt. He saw the keen-sighted blue eyes that had kept him safe more times than he could count; saw the scars that Vin bore as a testimony to his oath to protect and serve to the best of his ability. He saw in his mind his two best friends looking at each other with love and laughter, and the perfect harmony of their minds and bodies. 

He drew in a breath. Those wide blue eyes met his, fear and hope mingling in the depths. “I don’t have a problem with you and Chris,” he said. “I have a problem with not bein’ told the truth, with makin’ a damn fool of myself tryin’ to fix you two up with dates, with you and Chris thinkin’ I couldn’t take the truth and the two of you makin’ some sorta pact to keep me and JD in the dark.”

“Never was a pact,” Vin sighed. “Ya know when ya tell a lie t’protect somebody, and that lie leads to another, and another, and then you cain’t stop lyin’ because nobody would b’lieve the truth anyways ...” 

Buck gave a weary laugh. “Yeah, I surely do. Got myself in a few tangles that way.”

“Think we got this on the way to untangled?” Vin asked.

“Let me sleep on it,” Buck said, smiling. He laid a hand on Vin’s shoulder. “You look damn tired, Junior.”

Vin’s eyes crinkled at the corners. “Been one hell of a long day.” He stood and stretched out the kinks in his back. “Think I’ll head on out. Chris’s pain meds are gonna wear off and he’ll be wakin’ up cross as a bear with a sore tooth.”

“Hell, if you’ve got a way t’ease that ...” Buck snorted.

Vin arched a brow. “There’s ways and then there’s *ways.*” And left a blushing Buck standing in the doorway.

7*7*7*7*7*7*7  
 **Part Four**

Vin let himself in the house quietly, wondering if Chris were still sleeping, or if the pain pills had worn off. The house was dark and the only sound breaking the silence was the low hum of the air conditioning. Vin turned it off and went into the den. Chris was still on the sofa, curled on his side and not looking nearly so imposing as he did when he was awake. Vin studied his sleeping lover, awed as always by the man’s beauty. He’d never had anybody like Chris care about him, never thought he would. He’d spent a lot of years alone; had been with one feller long enough to call it a relationship, but they’d parted with more relief than sorrow when Vin had accepted a job as a marshal and moved to Dallas. 

Two mostly celibate years later, he’d walked into Chris’s office and lost his heart. He brushed Chris’s fall of blond hair from his forehead. “Was worth it, cowboy,” he whispered.

Chris sighed and yawned, opened sleepy green eyes. “What was worth it?”

Vin smiled and kissed Chris’s soft lips. “Ever’thin’ that came before us,” he said. 

Chris struggled upright and Vin slipped in behind him, wrapping long legs around his lover and holding him against his chest. “How’s the knee?”

“Stiff. Doesn’t hurt as much as it did.”

“That’s ‘cause ya stayed off of it fer a few hours.” 

Chris frowned up at him. “What time is it?”

“Near midnight.”

“Buck call?” He felt the stillness in Vin’s body and twisted to look up at him. “What?”

Vin took a breath and let it out slowly. “I went t’see Buck and JD while you were sleepin’.”

“What?” He pulled away from Vin, tried to turn and bit back a cry as his knee twisted.

Vin held him back, legs still imprisoning him. “Easy, Chris. It’s all right. *We’re* all right. I reckon the ship ain’t sinkin’ after all.”

Chris settled back. “You sure?”

“I’m sure. Funny, though. JD ain’t havin’ nearly the time with this as Buck.”

Chris snorted softly. “He’s a hell of a lot younger than Buck. It’s easier when there ain’t that history starin’ you in the face.” He relaxed back against Vin. “Buck give you a hard time?”

“He brought up that history,” Vin admitted. 

Chris was still and quiet. “I wish he hadn’t done that.”

“Kinda hard not to – the past don’t go away jist ‘cause you deny it.”

“I’m not denying it,” Chris said and Vin felt his heart beating beneath his hand. “But I’m not living in it anymore, either.” He reached up and touched Vin’s cheek. “I got reasons to live in the here and now.”

“I don’t want ya t’give up the past, Chris. It’s all right.”

“Vin ...” Chris sat up then and Vin shifted so he could swing his legs around, knowing that Chris sometimes needed movement when he was thinking things out. He didn’t stand, just turned to Vin and set both hands on his shoulders. “I’m not giving up the past, just trying to hold on to the best thing in my life.”

“Yeah ...” Vin sighed. He leaned his head into Chris’s shoulder and felt his strong arms wrap around him. “Don’t want ya to let me go.”

“I won’t.” Chris’s breath ruffled his hair. “I couldn’t.”

Vin wanted to ask if it had come down to a choice between the job and Buck, or him, what Chris would have done, but as Chris stroked his hair, Vin realized that it didn’t matter; somehow they had reached an accord born of friendship and love that ran deeper than the expectations of the rest of the world. 

Chris felt Vin’s slender body relax beneath his touch, and he raised his head to look into those midnight eyes. Vin smiled at him, nodded. Chris reached back to turn out the lamp next to the sofa, leaving the room in darkness but for the moonlight’s silvery illumination pouring through the wide sliding doors. 

Vin’s weight shifted and they lay down on the sofa, their bodies falling into perfect alignment. Chris’s hands slid up Vin’s back, lifting the t-shirt from his body, tugging it over his shoulders and head. Vin worked open the button on the placket of Chris’s polo shirt and stripped it off him, and as their breaths quickened, they undressed, the rest of their clothes landing in a tangled heap on the floor. 

Their limbs twined together as they kissed and fondled each other to arousal, lost in the pulse of the blood coursing through their veins. Chris moved to top Vin. He loved looking at him in the moonlight. He was a creature of velvet shadows and silver-painted muscles, eyes like the night sky and dusky, gleaming hair. Chris stroked down those long, hard muscles to the dark hair at his groin and the warm, hard flesh rising there. He wrapped his fingers around Vin’s cock and Tanner’s breath caught in his throat as he began thrusting into Chris’s clasp. A milky bead of semen gathered there and Chris slicked the pad of his thumb over it, then smeared the moist cum over Vin’s lips, kissing and licking the salty, bitter fluid away until Vin gasped and opened his mouth to Chris’s probing tongue.

Their cocks rubbed against each other, the hair at Vin’s groin almost unbearably rough against Chris’s over-stimulated penis. But he couldn’t stop, didn’t want to stop, and Vin’s body rose to meet his, pressing close and tight, seeking the perfect hollow to cradle his aching shaft.

Chris made an incautious movement and his knee twinged viciously. Vin heard the indrawn hiss of breath, felt Chris’s body stiffed as the pain shot through him. He gripped Chris’s shoulders. “Chris, wait!”

“What?” Torn from arousal first by pain then by Vin’s voice, he groaned softly and collapsed. 

“Easy, cowboy. I got a way fer us both t’git what we want. Sit up, okay?”

Chris did and Vin knelt in front of him, stroking his thighs, caressing the thin creases at his groin, leaning forward and taking the firm, swollen head of his cock in his mouth, sucking him to full hardness once more. 

Chris tried to thrust into that sweet mouth, but Vin held him firmly, kissing his balls, laving his shaft with his tongue until it was slick with moisture. Then when Chris was trembling and breathing hard, Vin straddled him, his arms braced on the back of the sofa, his chest close to Chris’s mouth. 

Chris suckled his nipples into hardness, biting gently, tugging the nubs with his teeth. He ran his tongue up Vin’s long throat, tasting salt and sweat, the rough stubble making his tongue tingle. He bit down and blew over the mark, felt Vin squirm, his cock pressing into Chris’s belly. Chris ran his fingers down Vin’s spine to the slight curve of at the base, then between the firm globes of his ass. His fingers fluttered over the rim of Vin’s anus and his legs opened wider. “God ...” Vin sighed, his breath warm and moist against Chris’s skin.

Chris felt the cum swelling on his cock, the smear of Vin’s wetness on his skin. He slicked up his fingers, then rimmed Vin again, probing deeper, exerting gentle force on the tight ring of muscle until it loosened. Vin was panting, his skin misted with sweat, his eyes dilated wide. “Jesus, Chris ... now ... God, now!” He raised up and Chris positioned his throbbing cock at Vin’s hole. 

Vin lowered himself, felt himself speared and claimed, sobbed for the pain and pleasure of having Chris’s flesh enclosed in his body. Then they both began the rock and thrust that was instinctive and as old as human nature; the drive for completion. 

Chris braced Vin’s back with his good knee and Vin found his rhythm, his cock pressed against Chris’s tight abs. Chris’s hair was damp and Vin combed it back, looking into Chris’s green eyes. As he felt the thrum and beat of his own arousal he saw Chris’s head tip against the cushioned back of the sofa, his throat arched and taut, the skin over his cheekbones gleaming in the moonlight, his eyelashes tipped with silver. The muscles in his throat seemed to contract and ripple, he thrust his pelvis upward, driving deeper into Vin’s body, his cock raking over Vin’s prostate.

Vin cried out as his climax rushed through him, carrying Chris over the edge as well, his juices spurting deep into Vin’s bowels as Vin’s release smeared between their bodies, the rich musk of sex filling the air. 

They rested there, wrapped in moonlight and each other, unwilling to let their flesh part; the sweetness of loving holding them together even when Chris’s penis softened. Vin shifted, felt the fullness slip away and sighed. He rested his forehead against Chris’s.

“I don’t know about you, partner, but I ain’t feelin’ no pain,” he whispered, smiling.

Chris laughed softly. “I thought I was the one s’pposed t’be in pain.”

“I reckon I love ya so much it hurts,” Vin sighed. “Feels like my heart’s so filled up there ain’t room fer it in my chest.”

Chris laid his palm flat over Vin’s heart. “There’s room, Vin. There’s always room for love.”

Vin was speechless, left mute by emotion, his face warming. Chris wondered how on earth a man who was naked in his arms, shameless in sex, could possibly blush over a few words. 

“Partner, my knee is startin’ to lock up,” Chris said as he combed through Vin’s tangled hair. “Might be a good idea to move.”

“Might be a good idea to stay here all night,” Vin grumbled, but he slid off Chris’s lap, helped him stand and then chuckled quietly at the sight of his naked lover leaning on a cane as he limped towards the bedroom. Hell, if anybody could carry it off, Larabee could. Vin picked up their discarded clothes and followed him down the hall.

Later, cleaned up and settling in to sleep, Vin turned to Chris. “It’ll be different after t’night ... we won’t hafta pretend no more off the job.” He lifted up on his elbow. “Not that I’m plannin’ on jumpin’ yer bones in front a’ the others.”

Chris snorted. “That would go over real big with Buck.”

“Might take it better than the secrets,” Vin observed. He lay back down and Chris ran his finger down his sternum.

“Some things are better left secret,” Chris whispered, his lips brushing over Vin’s. “So let’s keep the bedroom door closed. I don’t want anybody to see you blush but me.”

“I don’t blush,” Vin objected, turning his back to Chris.

“Yeah, you do,” Chris chuckled and fitted his body around Vin’s, pulling him into the warm hollow. “G’night, partner.”

Vin just sighed and nestled closer as sleep claimed him. Chris lay awake a while longer, savoring the weight and warmth of the man in his arms and watching the slow progress of the moonlight across the room until his eyes fluttered shut. His last thought was that secrets were like the night; vast and dangerous, intimate and precious. At times you held its dark cloak close, at others, you needed friends to light the way to the dawn.

**The End**


End file.
